I am afraid. Blindly swimming through the fog. Having started a connect-the-dots game and being unable to draw the next line (thanks for that conversation, Shruti, dear), just because I
haven't figured out the shape, is irrational. This is what is bound to happen.
Of what use is uncertainty?
I haven't been regular in my daily routine over the past week. Far from it, in fact. Haven't worked on the PhD proposal, really. And it's so hard to start again, every single day. I procrastinate wherever I can. Am I not passionate about this anymore? Maybe I should pick another job. Not become a researcher. I have to tell myself: Failure IS AN OPTION. At the same time, I am in for a triple marathon here. There will always be better and worse days, and sometimes whole weeks.
What will it matter in the end? One more day, one more week? Nothing.
But I am afraid. Of not doing the right thing. Or, of having lost my passion for what I love doing. Shouldn't this be fun? After all, I love learning, I love widening my horizon. I love structuring, I love forming theories.
Right now, I can't even structure myself. Have found one part of me and lost another – am I more me than I was before?
Living with someone else might mean giving up parts of oneself in order to merge with one another. What if I can't form work habits anymore, now, that I'm living with my love?
Then again, have I ever been able to focus on one thing for an extended period of time – without external guidance? And if not, should I? Am I wrong? Is there something I have to make right about myself?
Maybe wrong and right is non-existent – it is all about the point of view one takes. All I know for certain is I want to teach. And to teach, I have to learn.
How can I make learning as a long-term endeavour fun again? Things don't have to be fun sometimes, as long as they are most of the time. Grinding, gritting your teeth can be fun. My point of view should never be one step ahead – it should either be on the big picture, or in first-person mode.
To savour the uncertainty.